The Hills Blog

After a highly entertaining Fridy outing that saw Michelle McManus, and her slightly outsized impression of her own fame, crying in the toilets over a boy, some shiny new RraRra dance moves, and the tolling of the mega-munter alarm bell, which fell on a few unfortunate deaf male ears, Lochshore had a hard act to follow.

After a few stressful minutes trapped in the Fortress car park by a man brandishing a very high quality, good value, Hughenden Christmas tree newsteam was on their way, with some travelling support. Soon the stinky smell of countryside wafted through the poor city born Micra and we ground to a halt around Johnstone and the Villages- surely a potential band name, Johnstone and the Villages, modern, off-kilter country with a light undercurrent of Village people. Eventually we got through, and, after some enthusiastic gesturing, fear-filled calls to the bossman, and vague reference to an actual map, we found our way to Lochshore. It was tres muddy, as they say in Garnock, but with 2 games sheduled and no rain to be seen an afternoon of rugby was to go ahead.

We trudged through puddles, over a mudslide in a potentially scary strip of forest, round a fence, navigated a rabbit hole and found the warm-up pitch, only to find out that to get to the actual pitch we had to renegotiate the rabbit hole and fence, sneak through the scary forest, up the slippy mudslide, through the puddles, across a bog, up a wee hill, down a wee hill, knee deep in thick unforgiving grass, across wild deserts, through arctic Tundra, leap over a bear pit, wrestle a crocodile, climb a tree, zip slide over some wetlands, trot past the Garnock support and settle into our technical area. It wasn’t really that dramatic, and wasn’t even that far away, but it was wet, and muddy, and yukky.

With two regular props unavailable Dave Simm and GoldenWill started, D’Armstrong had his first start since coming back from injury, which saw Haddon move to the wing, and Angels shuffle in one to 13, with the return of Captain Stu DC was back at 8, with Fisken and Ed completing the pack. Cammy McC has returned to the 10 slot with Mikey Martin off back up the road to Hawks.

Garnock looked to upset Hills with their early kicking game, something Hills would normally thrive on given their recent success in organisation among the back 3, and their fit mobile pack, but they became a bit fraught on Saturday, some frantic fielding of kicks eating into their time, Garnock doing well to pressurise the Hills possession. The boys failed to take control of the game, and the good flashes of creativity and solid phases they built were very much played to Garnock’s schedule, slowing the Hills game down. A bit frantic in possession Hills didnlt give themselves much chance to play their game.

A number of infringements lead to the sin-binning of Fisken, and soon after D’Armstrong joined him in the bin. Hills responded well to the pressure of the Garnock 2-man overlap defending well and closing down Garnock’s chances, their good organisation and communication in defence making light of the deficit. The scores came in fits and starts among the flashes with Hazzy and Gussy making it 13-3 at half time, Captain Stu and Andy Leslie, beautiful hair only slightly affected by the damp conditions, added the other two tries and the game wound up 27-3, a good win, but no bonus point in a game where Hills should have picked one up.

A few shiny stars glittering in the mud were Dandan, who made an impression when he came on with good leg drive in the contact to set good ball, D’Armstrong who’s delivery was quick and accurate as usual, but could do with a bit more chat from those around him, Hazzy who looked usefu in the loose and did well to score, keeping phases moving, Dave Simm who scrummaged well and had a few good ball carries, dynamic and unrelenting with ball in hand, Ed was influential and ever present in the contact, leading the Hills defence. Captain Stu raise the spirits of the crowd as with a chase from a clearing kick he ran full pelt into the receiving Garnock winger who saw him coming, but couldn;t quite get out of the way…how we laughed, and winced a little bit, must be like being run over by a little truck.

Awards for this week, Chosen one as nominated by Chief Keith is Dougie Crichton, who had another solid game at 8, adding some sparkle and lifting the pace when Garnock tried to slow the Hills game down, was solid in the contact, giving Garnock nothing, and creative with ball in hand, making space and options for the boys. Ladies choice this week is a joint award from two travelling lady supporters who stood in the mud for an hour and a a half, for their efforts we thought they deserved a nomination each, so for some great tackling, the kind that makes ladies swoon and Garnock cry, some good ball carrying and solid work leading the front row in the set-piece, well done to GoldenWill, and secondly for good running, pressure in the chase and linking and interplay among the backs, well done to Andy Leslie. Well done boyos, a back and a forward, ladies choices from some muddy-footed travelling support.

Finally a chump of the week award, runner up this week goes to Haddon whose boots weren;t made for running in mud apparently and fell apart, faced with such trauma Haddon didn’t know what to do, but, knowing that physio’s are also trained in the arts of leatherwork, footwear and cobbling he approached the physio, “Physio, physio, my boot’s broken…” mewed young Haddon, his petted lip starting to quiver…”Will I wear one of Robbie’s?”. And so it was, only a runner up chump as he did solve the problem himself, and saw out the gme with one black and one white boot, always one for a bit of diversity and equality.

True chump of the week goes to a supporter, who, having gone to buy special, though highly inappropriate, shoes for standing in the mud which nicely topped off the rugby chic outfit which was almost entirely non-waterproof, will these ladies never learn? Anyway, they stationed themselves behind the Hills technical area. Being a well-known, established member of the club, Bossman did not think it inappropriate to entrust his match day Sports Mix to this Chump nominee. Some way into the second half it was clear to anyone in the vicinity that the bag was nearly empty, having been munched by all and sundry. Luckily Keith, while angry, was not overcome with stress and pressure and demanded no Sports Mix, but what if he had? What would you have done then? Given him a handful of mud and hope he didn;t notice? Plead ignorance? Sports Mix, what Sports Mix…? It’s a dangerous game you’re playing chump-features, best of luck…between footwear and Sports Mix, chump, we suggest you be a little more careful and less generous in the future.

This post was brought to you with a soundtrack of Bob Dylan, The Bare Necessities and Loch Lomond, with an accompaniment of toast and honey.

This week sees Ardrossan come to the Fortress. Having recorded their only loss down at Gloomy Ardrossan Saturday’s should be quite a game. 2pm kick off, be there or be square.

It’s a bit cold these days, and everyone knows things go slower when it’s cold, a viable excuse for no updates methinks. A second, equally reasonable excuse is a lack of good rugby to report. the bloggy public are not easily pleased and having been harangued for not writing anything Newsteam is now enduring the taunts and mockery of the public for the Titanic epicness of the Falkirk blog. So this will be short and sweetish with a fortnights worth of rubbishness, boys v Dumfries, the Tuesday night farce that was HillJills v Watsonians, and the non-event that wasn’t the boys v Howe of Fife.

So Dumfries, the first game of the second half of the league, after the excitement of Falkirk it was either going to be another step up the ladder of pretty rugby that would see the hale and hearty Hills boyos run the soggy southerners ragged, or it would be a nose-dive from the heights of top-table clash into a swamp of anti-climactic drivel. They opted for drivel.

Scottish rugby TV, with the man with the magnificent rolly-R commentary voice made it look good, but in reality very little happened. Hills made a meal of it, and the Bossman got rage. Not usual rugby rage, the kind we can absorb and join in a little bit with, but rage with his own lot. Standing within hearing distance of Keith shouting at the boys is like listening to your parents argue. I stand and freeze, praying they will do something to make him happy, I can hear him shouting and it makes me sad inside, and I feel a little bit like it’s my fault, like I should be doing something…but all I can do is watch and listen as it gets worse.

So please, for the good of our health, please start playing proper rugby. A quick rundown saw the boys looking fitter and stronger as ever but failing to exploit their advantages, they made heavy work of going forward with lots of basic mistakes. A positive can be taken in recording such results despite playing like a blind, drunk netball team. That is blind, and drunk, as blinddrunk often sees a peak in talent for rugby boys. 25-3. Unremarkable, no chosen one, we were to scared to ask Keith, thought it better left blank, Ladies choice went to Angels for some good pressure running from his wing, and good cover in defence. Best of a bad lot really…sorry Robbie. Chump of the week, in a good way, goes to Gus for his spangly new kickable penalty move, which saw the ball carefully struck to knock off the upright and out to the on-rushing Hills back line for a score. We’d like to see that one again soon…

A few days later saw the Hills ladies in what was set to be a flood-lit thriller on a chilly Tuesday night at the Fortress. Was set to be, but turned out not to be…it finished 32-5. Hills ladies got off to a flier, but the points away early, endured a bit of freezing hail, and some ridiculous stoppages for problems such as badly fitting shorts, exercise-induced shortness of breath and general unfitness. These were seen as reasonable complaints, but slowed the flow of Hills fast moving game. The early loss of Captain Jules to injury saw a bit of reshuffle with Super-Emma going to 10 and the Willis reconverting from hardy forward to saft back to come on at centre. The backs did well under the pressure of the reshuffle, showing the depth of squad in the ladies. With some more ridiculous gas from Moggs and little Pup, fairly standard in the Hill camp these days, a bit of boshing from the Dawg at 8 and some good runs from new super-tall Jade who aced the defensive line-out, proving a formidable match for the accomplished Watson’s pack.

Rachy Nic was snipey at 9 as usual and kept the pace of the match up. The unfortunate situation of having a referee who’s partner was playing for the opposition, a situatin not often encountered in the rugby world did little for the Hills game, and the match quickly descended into a bit of a farce. With unexplainable calls and a number of imaginary Hills infringements seeing the ladies heavily penalised the Hills discipline lapsed a bit as frustration at the man in the middle grew. A number of hilarious but largely unacceptable calls from the Hills ladies saw penalties marched up the pitch and eventually saw the try-line broached for the first time this season.

Blame is easy to pass on to the ref, but truth is Watsonians weren’t good enough to score against us, and whatever the circumstances it shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and we have lots to work on in training to get us back disciplined and on form. Though “Get your f**king wife onside!” is back-chat not heard often enough in the modern game…I would give a shiny pound to any boy who’s willing to say this in one of their games. The game finished 32-5 and was followed by tasty cake. Again, not one to be remembered.

And then there was to be another top-table encounter with Howe of Fife in far away Cupar. So my day went a little something like this, up early, obviously as a highly organised newshound I was packed and prepared and had arranged all of my clothes for easy assembly to battle the cold. Unfortunately in the night someone had come in and disorganised all my organisation so mild panic ensued. I ate some porridge, I live in hope that one day when I’m making porridge the Scott’s porage oats man will appear to reach the box down for me. It hasn’t happened yet. So one bowl of porridge, no Scott’s oats man, a bit of mild panic and 23 layers later I was on my way to the club. Which was busybusy with lots of boys, though notably not the porage oats man, or Ed, who was late(Oats man didn’t show at all). Silly Ed, incurring the wrath so early in the morning. He rolled down to the car park politely flustered enough to make Keith laugh instead of beating him to death. And off we trundled, the 2’s were headed for Edinburgh for a clash at Meggetland, and we went off up to Cupar through the freezing fog.

Grant in the smelly forwads bus gave us a half hour head start and caught us up somewhere around Charing Cross, Keith nearly took us for tea at the in-laws by accident, and we had an entertaining stop near TITP, a few months too late, where a certain young Lothario came across a foreign conquest on some kind of special international bus trip…not special like special needs. Well I don’t think it was…I didn’t see any window licking. So a sharp exit was made. Not before a quick shake-up warm-up sess in the Burger King car park. People wandered past open-mouthed, a few through coins in appreciation of the talent, or sympathy for the poor team who can’t afford grass to train on.

Eventually we got to Cupar. It was frozen. The whooooole village was frozen, including the pitches, so we turned round and high-tailed back to Glasgow, one rugby match short of a league fixture. Needless to say calm Keith was less than impressed. Like good little show-ponies the backs tried to quell the rage with their awesome rugby banter on their way home, knowing the content and meanness of the upcoming session at Hughenden was resting on their skinny shoulders.

How better to entertain the bossman than the Herald crossword(first draft)? Well, how about an in-depth film review session, oooh, I really liked paranormal activity. Really, who did you go and see it with? I couldn’t go and see that it’s too scary for me…how many stars would you give it? Oh, oh I’m not sure…maybe 3 and a half?

Laps of the stand were rapidly added to the session…it’s a long way from Cupar to Glasgow, on this long way we learned many things: Dan is unable to get chane from a shop on account of his gimp arms, Haddon may or may not be half-way through his course at uni, they haven’t got the bits of maths yet that would let him work out if 3 was more than half of 5. It is a toughy…

And so we got home to happy Hughenden to watch Scotland be beaten. Not a great day all round.

The blog having made an initial attempt at public persuasion with the Double A’s, is going to herald a new cause, the temporary renaming of the fortress to Huggenden, where hugs will be had, potentially for money, but not in a soliciting or prostitutey type way, in a fund-raising kind of way. Hug a Hill day? Hug a HillJill day? Hugs@Huggenden day? Suggestions on a postcard please.

That is all, Garnock on Saturday, come watch, wear lots of clothes it will be brrrwrrr chilly.