After a highly entertaining Fridy outing that saw Michelle McManus, and her slightly outsized impression of her own fame, crying in the toilets over a boy, some shiny new RraRra dance moves, and the tolling of the mega-munter alarm bell, which fell on a few unfortunate deaf male ears, Lochshore had a hard act to follow.
After a few stressful minutes trapped in the Fortress car park by a man brandishing a very high quality, good value, Hughenden Christmas tree newsteam was on their way, with some travelling support. Soon the stinky smell of countryside wafted through the poor city born Micra and we ground to a halt around Johnstone and the Villages- surely a potential band name, Johnstone and the Villages, modern, off-kilter country with a light undercurrent of Village people. Eventually we got through, and, after some enthusiastic gesturing, fear-filled calls to the bossman, and vague reference to an actual map, we found our way to Lochshore. It was tres muddy, as they say in Garnock, but with 2 games sheduled and no rain to be seen an afternoon of rugby was to go ahead.
We trudged through puddles, over a mudslide in a potentially scary strip of forest, round a fence, navigated a rabbit hole and found the warm-up pitch, only to find out that to get to the actual pitch we had to renegotiate the rabbit hole and fence, sneak through the scary forest, up the slippy mudslide, through the puddles, across a bog, up a wee hill, down a wee hill, knee deep in thick unforgiving grass, across wild deserts, through arctic Tundra, leap over a bear pit, wrestle a crocodile, climb a tree, zip slide over some wetlands, trot past the Garnock support and settle into our technical area. It wasn’t really that dramatic, and wasn’t even that far away, but it was wet, and muddy, and yukky.
With two regular props unavailable Dave Simm and GoldenWill started, D’Armstrong had his first start since coming back from injury, which saw Haddon move to the wing, and Angels shuffle in one to 13, with the return of Captain Stu DC was back at 8, with Fisken and Ed completing the pack. Cammy McC has returned to the 10 slot with Mikey Martin off back up the road to Hawks.
Garnock looked to upset Hills with their early kicking game, something Hills would normally thrive on given their recent success in organisation among the back 3, and their fit mobile pack, but they became a bit fraught on Saturday, some frantic fielding of kicks eating into their time, Garnock doing well to pressurise the Hills possession. The boys failed to take control of the game, and the good flashes of creativity and solid phases they built were very much played to Garnock’s schedule, slowing the Hills game down. A bit frantic in possession Hills didnlt give themselves much chance to play their game.
A number of infringements lead to the sin-binning of Fisken, and soon after D’Armstrong joined him in the bin. Hills responded well to the pressure of the Garnock 2-man overlap defending well and closing down Garnock’s chances, their good organisation and communication in defence making light of the deficit. The scores came in fits and starts among the flashes with Hazzy and Gussy making it 13-3 at half time, Captain Stu and Andy Leslie, beautiful hair only slightly affected by the damp conditions, added the other two tries and the game wound up 27-3, a good win, but no bonus point in a game where Hills should have picked one up.
A few shiny stars glittering in the mud were Dandan, who made an impression when he came on with good leg drive in the contact to set good ball, D’Armstrong who’s delivery was quick and accurate as usual, but could do with a bit more chat from those around him, Hazzy who looked usefu in the loose and did well to score, keeping phases moving, Dave Simm who scrummaged well and had a few good ball carries, dynamic and unrelenting with ball in hand, Ed was influential and ever present in the contact, leading the Hills defence. Captain Stu raise the spirits of the crowd as with a chase from a clearing kick he ran full pelt into the receiving Garnock winger who saw him coming, but couldn;t quite get out of the way…how we laughed, and winced a little bit, must be like being run over by a little truck.
Awards for this week, Chosen one as nominated by Chief Keith is Dougie Crichton, who had another solid game at 8, adding some sparkle and lifting the pace when Garnock tried to slow the Hills game down, was solid in the contact, giving Garnock nothing, and creative with ball in hand, making space and options for the boys. Ladies choice this week is a joint award from two travelling lady supporters who stood in the mud for an hour and a a half, for their efforts we thought they deserved a nomination each, so for some great tackling, the kind that makes ladies swoon and Garnock cry, some good ball carrying and solid work leading the front row in the set-piece, well done to GoldenWill, and secondly for good running, pressure in the chase and linking and interplay among the backs, well done to Andy Leslie. Well done boyos, a back and a forward, ladies choices from some muddy-footed travelling support.
Finally a chump of the week award, runner up this week goes to Haddon whose boots weren;t made for running in mud apparently and fell apart, faced with such trauma Haddon didn’t know what to do, but, knowing that physio’s are also trained in the arts of leatherwork, footwear and cobbling he approached the physio, “Physio, physio, my boot’s broken…” mewed young Haddon, his petted lip starting to quiver…”Will I wear one of Robbie’s?”. And so it was, only a runner up chump as he did solve the problem himself, and saw out the gme with one black and one white boot, always one for a bit of diversity and equality.
True chump of the week goes to a supporter, who, having gone to buy special, though highly inappropriate, shoes for standing in the mud which nicely topped off the rugby chic outfit which was almost entirely non-waterproof, will these ladies never learn? Anyway, they stationed themselves behind the Hills technical area. Being a well-known, established member of the club, Bossman did not think it inappropriate to entrust his match day Sports Mix to this Chump nominee. Some way into the second half it was clear to anyone in the vicinity that the bag was nearly empty, having been munched by all and sundry. Luckily Keith, while angry, was not overcome with stress and pressure and demanded no Sports Mix, but what if he had? What would you have done then? Given him a handful of mud and hope he didn;t notice? Plead ignorance? Sports Mix, what Sports Mix…? It’s a dangerous game you’re playing chump-features, best of luck…between footwear and Sports Mix, chump, we suggest you be a little more careful and less generous in the future.
This post was brought to you with a soundtrack of Bob Dylan, The Bare Necessities and Loch Lomond, with an accompaniment of toast and honey.
This week sees Ardrossan come to the Fortress. Having recorded their only loss down at Gloomy Ardrossan Saturday’s should be quite a game. 2pm kick off, be there or be square.
